How to be a Good Democrat

How to be a Good Democrat

A Chicago friend (obviously a Conservative) recently circulated this list, but I think it's been around awhile. The earliest date I could find was on G. Gordon Liddy's website (May 2003), but I'm sure it's older. Most sites agree on the first twenty, but my! the list has grown! 34 and counting...

TO BE A GOOD DEMOCRAT—

1. You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
     ANSWER: To be a good Republican, you have to believe that the AIDS virus will stop spreading once federal funding of AIDS research and prevention is cut off.

2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
     ANSWER: To be a good Republican, you have to believe teaching children to read the Bible and leading them in prayers will equip them to deal with their sexuality, and that supplying kids with facts rather than myths is somehow harmful.

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese communists.
     ANSWER: To be a good Republican, you have to believe you are more likely to be killed by a Chinese nuke than an unregistered gun.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.
     ANSWER: To be a good Republican, you have to believe that kings and popes (who financed the arts throughout history) never hired an artist.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.
     ANSWER: To be a good Republican, you have to believe that well documented, peer-reviewed global science can be ignored when it conflicts with a national, political-economic agenda.

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.
     ANSWER: To be a good Republican, you have to believe homosexuals are evil, and should be second-class citizens (but love them anyway).

7. You have to be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand.
     ANSWER: To be a good Republican, you have to be against abortion to save a woman's life, but for a death penalty that has not deterred one potential murderer, or brought one single murder victim back to life.

8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
     ANSWER: To be a good Republican, you have to believe no business ever got wealthy on government contracts (which is how most of the fortunes in the U.S. were made) and that government doesn't need to coax businesses into behaving in the public interest without despoiling the environment, which they feel entitled to exploit for free.

9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who've never been outside of Seattle do.
     ANSWER: To be a good Republican, you have to believe these "loony activists" don't include scientists and naturalists who have studied nature through a microscope, rather than through a gun sight.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
     ANSWER: To be a good Republican, you have to believe that self-esteem can be earned without guaranteed equal opportunity.

11. You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.
     ANSWER: To be a good Republican, you have to believe all politicians are corrupt and all military men are altruistic. And they should only be men. And heterosexual.

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
     ANSWER: To be a good Republican, you have to believe the two clauses in the Second Amendment can be separated and the ACLU is somehow bad because they defend the rights of all Americans, not just gun owners.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
     ANSWER: To be a good Republican, you have to believe police protection, fire protection, schools, environmental protection, food protection, product safety, worker safety, national security, defense of civil rights, defense of constitutional rights, and the judicial system — all come to us for free.

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison.
     ANSWER: To be a good Republican, you have to believe the educational system doesn't teach about all of these people. And that no women are important in American history. (Why Lee and not Grant?)

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.
     ANSWER: To be a good Republican, you have to believe standardized tests don't come from a politically connected government contractor, that they actually measure student learning, and that they are a substitute for a good teacher, in a good school, under a good education system. But then to be a good Republican, you have to believe schools finance themselves and that racial discrimination never happens.

16. You have to believe Hillary Clinton is really a lady.
     ANSWER: To be a good Republican, you have to believe Ann Coulter is rational.

17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried, is because the right people haven't been in charge.
     ANSWER: To be a good Republican, you have to believe Socialism hasn't worked in Norway, Sweden, Germany and France, and that crony capitalism doesn't undermine democracy and lead to oligarchy.

18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and sex offender belongs in the White House.
     ANSWER: To be a good Republican, you have to believe some conservative telling the truth actually went to jail for it, and that falling into a perjury trap over a consensual sexual liaison, after all the other investigations failed to turn up any criminal conduct, is an impeachable offense and a good use of tax dollars.

19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.
     ANSWER: To be a good Republican, you have to believe the Founders were just kidding in the first clause of the First Amendment, and that manger scenes are somehow beneficial to Jews, Muslims, agnostics and every other non-Christian, minority religion that has to pay for them.

20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese is somehow in the best interest of the United States.
     ANSWER: To be a good Republican, you have to believe that being a leisure service of major corporations operating against the public interest (shipping all their jobs overseas to low-wage countries), while dodging payment of U.S. taxes, is somehow in the best interest of the United States — and that latching onto fundamentalist Christian leaders to claim God is on your side is a good way to bring a nation together.

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This is fun! Here are some others I found!

TO BE A GOOD DEMOCRAT—

21. You have to believe that this letter is part of a vast right wing conspiracy.
     ANSWER: To be a good Republican, you have to believe Richard Mellon Scaife never gave away a dime to bring down a president who was legitimately elected. Twice.

22. You must believe that rights are bestowed by the federal government (until a federal judge sees fit to revoke them), and are not granted by God and protected by the Constitution.
     ANSWER: To be a good Republican, you have to believe that democratic rights miraculously appeared at the Constitutional Convention — because God forgot to mention them in any holy book until the (Enlightenment) Founders "discovered" them 1800 years later.

23. You must believe that virtual child pornography and sexually-explicit cable programming are commendable examples of free speech deserving of protection, but criticizing a government official within 60 days of an election ought to be stamped out mercilessly.
     ANSWER: To be a good Republican, you have to believe that money equals speech.

24. You must believe that the best way to vote and govern is to stop thinking and rely instead on warm fuzzy feelings.
     ANSWER: Huh?

25. You must believe that reasoned political discourse consists of repeated 30-second advertisements equating an American president to Adolf Hitler, despite the fact that similar criticism in Nazi Germany would result in a one-way trip to a concentration camp after the first ad was broadcast.
     ANSWER: To be a good Republican, you have to believe this ad was paid for by the Democratic Party, run anywhere but on the MoveOn website — and when MoveOn members rejected it, preserved on the RNC website. Also that the Founders were just kidding in the first clause of the First Amendment and that the Nazi way is better for dealing with unpopular speech.

26. You must believe in using the power of government to steal from the productive in order to give to the parasitical, and that there is no distinction between true need and greed.
     ANSWER: To be a good Republican, you have to believe this doesn't also apply to corporate welfare.

27. You must believe that savage acts of terror are the moral equivalent of political discourse and/or an appropriate response to America's "crimes."
     ANSWER: To be a good Republican, you have to believe, with Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell, that savage acts of terror happen because of America's moral decadence.

28. You have to believe that advocating the joys of "alternative lifestyles" in public school classrooms is good for children, but uttering the Pledge of Allegiance with the words "Under God" is bad for those same children.
     ANSWER: To be a good Republican, you have to believe the lie that alternate lifestyles are actually advocated in public school classrooms, and that the divisive words "under God," in a blatant loyalty oath, are not in conflict with "one nation, indivisible."

29. You have to believe that minorities (especially blacks) are inferior and incapable of individual advancement without government intervention.
     ANSWER: To be a good Republican, you have to believe racism ended with the Civil War.

30. You have to believe that all ideas from Republicans are wrong while the same ideas touted by Democrats are "fair" and compassionate.
     ANSWER: To be a good Republican, you have to believe they're the same ideas.

31. You have to believe that people who disagree with you are stupid and backward while believing people who agree with you are "progressive" and "enlightened."
     ANSWER: To be a good Republican, you have to believe that people who disagree with you are Communist and unChristian while believing people who agree with you are reasonable and sensible.

32. You have to believe in the principles of Democracy but demand only Democrat victories in elections.
     ANSWER: To be a good Republican, you have to believe in the principles of Democracy but demand only Republican victories in elections.

33. You are proud to have Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, and Bill Clinton in the Democratic Party.
     ANSWER: To be a good Republican, you have to be proud to have narrow-minded, bigoted white males in your party.

34. You have to believe that gasoline priced at $1.59 per gallon is too expensive but accept bottled spring water at $1.09 per quart as reasonable.
     ANSWER: To be a good Republican, you have to believe a necessity like gasoline achieves its price through a rational mechanism and that consuming bottled spring water, which is a luxury, isn't a choice made by people afraid of the water polluted by loosely regulated, Republican-owned businesses.