(in the style of the kids TV show "Make a Wish")
by Ronald Bruce Meyer
29 July 2001

If you were corn and not corny at all,
You'd be corn-on-the-cob or corn bread in the Fall.
You could fuel your travels as corn ethanol.
You could cook up popcorn in corn oil at a park,
Or coat a corn dog with corn meal as a lark.

As a crop grown commercially in every state,
And an excellent source of cheap carbohydrate,
You'd be feed corn or seed corn or a booze distillate.
After all, the Aztecs thought you had spirits in thee,
And, with beans and squash, Iroquois sisters three!

You'd be Fritos, Doritos, corn fritters or cakes,
Lay in corncribs and cornlofts in cornwall with steaks,
Which thrive on cattle corn-fed -- what it takes!
You'd be served at cornell with peppercorn, too,
Where the watch is a wardcorn, whose loud cornet blew.

In your cornfield the corncrake would trumpet her call,
To ward off corn weevils, making cornflowers tall,
And cornshuckers shuck off corn husks, as they fall,
As they did since corniferous times, in the field,
Corn violet, corn poppy, corn salad to yield.

So... make a wish... it might come true.
It's all up to you. It's all up to you.

If you were corn and not corny at rhyme,
You'd weed out corn cockles, corn parsley, in time,
To be a cornuto, with men's wives recline!
Then get your red corn stone, and cornice, in place.
Shake up your corn popper, a smile on your face.

You'd be used in such ways as would surely be hits...
Adhesives and asp'rin and flour and grits,
Ketchup and lic'rice and yogurt and tea,
Wallboard and diapers and cheese spreads with glee,
Whiskey and wheat bread and toothpaste and pop,
Shoe polish and shave cream -- don't tell me to stop!

Corn cob and husk dolls and baskets and "wreathes,"

There's corn used in something each time someone breathes!
In mustard and mayo and margarine, too.
There's paper, linoleum, carpets -- it's true!
And textiles and tacos, cosmetics and ink,
Insecticides, fiberglass -- and latex -- just think...
Of the thousands of uses simple corn has and hath,
Why we won't even mention that wipe in the "bath"!

So... make a wish... it might come true.
It's all up to you. It's all up to you.

If you were corn, not with corny intent,
Since corn can't stop there -- a cornucopia, meant,
Such as flint corn or waxy or sweet corn or dent.
It's amaizeing the things you find out if you look,
In fact, I'm thinking of writing a book.
(Just give back my Cracker Jack cornball, you crook!)
It won't be a corn porn book, though corn smut is bad,
And corn borers are boring in the corn belt -- egad!
But if Illinois, Kansas, Ohio and Iowa come,
With Nebraska, Missouri and near Indiana,
You'll corner the market in corncob pipes some.
Why not? The US is atop the cornstalk
When it comes to corn growing, corn sales and corn talk!

So that's why a Corn Palace lives in SD,
In Mitchell the décor is corn, you can see,
And they rent rooms there nightly for $38.33.
Next door, a corn farmer in Iowa has hit
On watching his corn grow by WebCam, the wit.
But you can do anything corny you care to.
All it takes is a kernel of creative dare-to.

So... make a wish... it might come true.
It's all up to you. It's all up to you.

--Uptight, Late-Night, Stage Fright Ronald, The Duke of Doggerel

Ronald Bruce Meyer is a freelance doggerelist.
This was his first Lamprey poem!