(in the style of the kids TV show "Make a Wish")
by Ronald Bruce Meyer
19 August 2001

If you're stumped, as I was, about oxymoronic,
Then take my advice; I offer this tonic:
Press together two words or ideas contradictory--
A pointedly foolish result is your victory!
The virtue of oxymoronic, 'tis true,
Is incongruous humor that laughs back at you.
Take "accident plan," or "act naturally,"
Or "final draft." It's easy to see
How oxymoronic is "casual sex,"
Or "bad sex," for that matter; unless your name's Rex!
If we "center around," just where is the focus?
And "well preserved ruins" -- just what is that locus?

It's oxymoronic "baby grand" to say,
"Business casual" to dress, in "tight slacks" to play.
"Boneless ribs," "chicken fingers," are odd foods to eat,
An "untimely death" is a strange fate to meet.
An "exact estimate"? It would give me a thrill
To dump "Microsoft Works" in a "sanitary landfill"!
A "boxing ring" isn't round, as I reckon.
And "public affairs" "constant change" sure will beckon!
And "corporate culture" just defies "common sense,"
Unless "paid volunteers" are without recompense.

But make a wish... It just might come true!
It's all up to you. It's all up to you.

To be oxymoronic is not something shakable,
Just as "plastic silverware" is mostly unbreakable.
An artsy wordsmith once told me one time
That it's oxymoronic for poetry to rhyme!
Well... the Duke of Doggerel put that myth to rest,
When he showed up at Lamprey an "uninvited guest"!
All our names at Lamprey are oxymoronic,
Though most, I must say, are far from euphonic!
You hear oxymorons so far and so wide...
Like "anxious patient" or your own "back side,"
Like "working vacation" or "bigger half"--
(That's one from my childhood. It still makes me laugh.)

"This page left blank intentionally," it says
On the "original copy," duplicated high res.
I've heard "live recordings" and read "legal briefs"
Though neither is either. And only nafs
Believe "scientific creationism" can ever be valid,
Though I've had "jumbo peanuts" and "jumbo shrimp" salad!
To use a "peace force" in "civilized warfare,"
Or endure a "crash landing" are more than I dare.
I'd get "legally drunk" and turn on "soft rock,"
Though I'd look "pretty ugly" -- "good grief"! -- on my block.
How oxymoronic is "reality TV"?
But if I'm "zipped open," don't blame it on me!

Just make a wish... It just might come true!
It's all up to you. It's all up to you.

"There is only one difference between a madman and me.
I am not mad," said Salvador Dal.
"Trust but verify," "resume legal speed"?
They're oxymoronic and more than we need!
"Back to the Future," "True Lies," "Mighty Mouse"?
You find in film and TV in your house.
How oxymoronic, I ask, is "Fox News"?
I watch it with "Eyes Wide Shut" or I lose.
Mark Twain said it takes him three weeks to reach
And prepare an acceptable impromptu speech!

Shakespeare's "Hamlet" was forced to be cruel to be kind,
Used "aggressive diplomacy," was "all alone" in his mind.
Andy Warhol admitted "deep superficiality,"
And created "modern classics" -- such was his speciality.
From a "drive-through window" at a "fast food" place,
You'll find a "Whopper Junior" to stuff in your face.
I've been a "willing victim" of that sleazy cuisine,
A "relative stranger" to staying real lean.
Yes, oxymoronic is not something desirable,
But, if you're like me, you're quickly inspirable!

I Made a Wish... I think it came true!
It was all up to me. Now it's all up to you.

--Uptight, Late-Night, Stage Fright Ronald, The Duke of Doggerel

Ronald Bruce Meyer is a freelance doggerelist.